


Enkeli Tyttö

by MoonlightBreeze



Series: Febuwhump 2021 [7]
Category: Leverage
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Autistic Parker (Leverage), Crying, Eliot Spencer Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s03e15 The Big Bang Job, F/M, FebuWhump2021, Other, Parker Being Parker (Leverage), Self-Hatred, mentions of past violence and murder, no beta we die like men, queer platonic relationship, this is just 2k words of me angsting Eliot because I had feelings after The Big Bang Job
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-13 12:55:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29278791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoonlightBreeze/pseuds/MoonlightBreeze
Summary: After the shootout with Moreau's goons in the warehouse, Eliot has a hard time pushing his bad thoughts away. Parker is there to help.Febuwhump Day 7 - alternate prompt, "I can't lose you, too"Warnings for mentions of past violence and murder (Eliot's past), and self-hatred. Please keep yourselves safe! <3
Relationships: Eliot Spencer & Parker, Parker/Eliot Spencer (Leverage)
Series: Febuwhump 2021 [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2138970
Comments: 4
Kudos: 22





	Enkeli Tyttö

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, guys! This fic is written for the Febuwhump alternate prompt: "I can't lose you, too" and I would absolutely adore this fic if it wasn't my own writing, if that makes sense? I actually wrote this before I watched The Big Bang Job (I knew enough of what happened from Tumblr spoilers and analyses) and edited it after I watched it (to change one detail and add a fuck ton more angst). I have FEELINGS about that episode.
> 
> I wrote Parker and Eliot's relationship as a QPR (queer platonic relationship), which is basically (in my own words) a relationship that goes beyond the boundaries of normal friendship but doesn't necessarily tick all of the societal-expected boxes of a romantic and/or sexual relationship. In this fic, it's explicitly stated that Parker & Eliot's relationship isn't sexual, and this could be read as platonic up until the very end. I hope that clears things up <3 I envisioned the relationship as a QPR while I was writing this, which is why (and under the advice of my good friend!) I decided to add the tag. 
> 
> Warnings for mentions of past violence and murder (including references to a child's murder) committed by Eliot, and self-hatred. Please keep your lovely selves safe! <3
> 
> About the title, in case you were wondering: It's Finnish for 'angel girl'. 
> 
> With that, I really hope you enjoy this! Kudos make my day and comments validate my existence, so please feel free to leave those, if you want :) And, as always, I hope you have a wonderful day/night!
> 
> ~ Em

Eliot was still reeling from promises broken and people hurt when he let himself into his apartment, closing and locking the door behind him. It had been a long day, longer still after what had gone down with Moreau, and he just wanted to go to sleep. He knew he didn’t deserve it, but he was long past the point of caring.

He made his way into his bedroom, changing into an old t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants. The lights were already off, so Eliot just dropped his overnight bag by the bed and crawled under the covers. He closed his eyes, expecting to fall asleep immediately. 

Thirty minutes passed before Eliot sighed and opened his eyes. He couldn’t sleep. Not with play-by-plays of his massacre living rent-free in his head or, worse yet, lifeless green 6 year-old eyes staring into his, his hands stained with her blood again. He reached over to switch the lamp beside his bed on and realised belatedly that his hands were shaking. 

_Murderer_. 

As always, the voice inside his head was right. Eliot _was_ a murderer; there were no two ways about that. He had killed people, and not just bad people who had it coming. No, he had killed _innocent_ people who didn’t deserve it, working for Moreau. He had taken innocent people away from their families and ended their lives without a second thought. Sometimes Eliot wondered how he could stand to look at himself in the mirror anymore. 

He thought of his mama, and that sent another wave of guilt crashing over him. All he’d ever wanted, as a child, was to make her proud. Now, he doubted she’d even be able to look at him. He’d disappoint her, if she was still alive to see him now. She’d say, “Eliot, I raised you better than this!” and she would be right. His mama hadn’t raised a killer; Mama had loved him and cared for him, even when his own father beat him and told him he wished he’d never been born. 

That was the sad truth: his mama hadn’t raised a killer, but Eliot had still become one. 

A sound like footsteps in the hallway snapped Eliot out of his thoughts, and he slowly slipped out of bed, walking towards the door to his bedroom, on high alert and ready to fight if need be. _Fight to kill_ , his mind supplied. _You’re a killer_. Eliot tried his best to ignore it, opening the door and slipping out into the hallway. 

To his surprise, there was no one there. The hallway was empty. 

Eliot frowned in confusion. He was sure he’d heard footsteps. Unless he was just going crazy, hallucinating enemies everywhere like some of the soldiers he’d fought with back in the day ended up doing. Eliot sighed and lowered his fists in defeat, turning back towards his bedroom, hoping he’d just imagined it and it wasn’t a sign of some deeper psychological problem. 

Eliot would deny it later if anyone asked, but he jumped about a foot in the air when he saw a slim, hooded figure sitting at the foot of his bed. He let out a sharp, surprised sound and hit the light switch. His heart skipped a beat when he saw the blonde tendrils of hair escaping his intruder’s hood. Parker. 

“What are you doing here, Parker?” Eliot sighed, walking over to his bed and settling himself on top of it so he could face his partner. “You should be at home, getting some rest.” He took her hand a second later, before she had time to answer, examining a dark bruise he’d noticed on her arm. “How’d that happen?” 

“I tripped over your table when I was breaking in,” Parker said matter-of-fact-ly. “Why do you keep it in the middle of the room? That’s weird, Eliot.”

“You broke in?” Eliot exclaimed. “Parker, why didn’t you just call me?!”

“I was afraid you wouldn’t let me in,” Parker answered quietly, scooting closer to Eliot on the bed. She pulled her hand out of his and began fiddling with the zipper on her jacket. 

Eliot sighed, softening his approach. “Parker, why wouldn’t I let you in? We visit each other all the time.” He glanced over at his clock, read the numbers, and added, “Not usually at 3am, but I’m flexible.”

Parker said nothing, picking at a loose thread on her jeans. Eliot waited, resisting the urge to ask her again. He knew she would tell him in her own time, but Eliot was not an overly patient man. 

Finally, Parker said: “I figured you’d want to be alone, after what happened with Moreau.” 

Eliot stiffened. “Parker, nothing happened. I did my job. That’s it.” He crossed his arms over his chest, avoiding her gaze. “That can’t be why you’re here.”

“It is,” Parker insisted. “And don’t try and tell me you’re okay, Eliot, because I swear, I will change all the locks on your doors for a _month_.” Her expression was deadly serious, and Eliot couldn’t help the little chuckle that escaped him at her threat. It _was_ funny. However, he knew that she meant it, and as much as Eliot would rather _not_ have this conversation, he also didn’t want to be locked out of his own apartment for a month. 

“Look,” Eliot sighed. “I did what I had to do. There’s not - I - there shouldn’t be anything more to it.” He didn’t say that there _was_ more to it; he didn’t have to. Parker knew without being told. Just like she knew, somehow, that whatever had happened at the warehouse was bad. Bad enough that she’d felt the need to show up at his apartment at three in the morning, anyway. 

“You don’t like guns,” Parker said, and Eliot felt his heart swell with affection for the girl in front of him. He _didn’t_ like guns, and Parker _knew_ that, and Parker knew _why_ , and somehow, some way, she still loved him. 

It meant more than Eliot would ever be able to say. 

Eliot’s job was to protect the team; Parker’s job was to steal for them. What Parker didn’t know was that she had already stolen the hearts of everyone on the team, even months before they had official roles. Eliot was no exception, even though he loved her in a different way than the rest of the team did. Although he’d been told it looked complicated to the outside eye, their relationship was simple. He loved her, and he knew she loved him, and it was the best kind of love he could’ve asked for. 

Still, Eliot couldn’t wrap his head around how someone like Parker could love someone like him; he was _broken_ , used, expendable; like a toy that’d been played with and then discarded over and over again. He was the person that hurt other people, it was what he did, who he _was_ , and he couldn’t fathom how Parker could see past that. Hell, sometimes _he_ couldn’t even see past that. He looked in the mirror every morning and he hated what he saw; Eliot Spencer, hitter, protector, _killer_. _Murderer. Child k_ -

Parker tapped the side of Eliot’s head, snapping him out of his thoughts. “You look sad.”

“I’m not sad,” Eliot replied gruffly. “I was just thinking.”

“About what?”

“None of your business, that’s what!” Eliot didn’t mean to snap, but the words were out of his mouth before he could even think about taking them back. He expected Parker to flinch, but he couldn’t hide his relief when she didn’t. He didn’t know if he could handle seeing Parker afraid of him, or worse, looking at him like he was going to hurt _her_. 

“Eliot, it’s okay if you don’t want to talk to me,” Parker said, moving closer - and didn’t that break Eliot’s heart, that she was moving _closer_ after he’d yelled at her for asking a _question_ \- until their knees were almost touching. “I can call Hardison, or Sophie.”

“Why do I have to talk to anyone at all?!” Eliot exclaimed. He knew he was being unfair, that she was just trying to help, but he hated this. He hated that he’d ever let her see he wasn’t unbreakable, that he had feelings and a capacity for pain that filled up sometimes and memories he wished he could forget just like everyone else. 

“Because,” Parker said, and her eyes were blazing now, her voice sharp, “I have lost everything, Eliot! I lost my parents, I lost my brother, I lost any chance at a real childhood just because I have autism, I’ve lost friends and family, and I will _not_ lose you, too!” Her voice cracked on the last syllable, and Eliot felt his heart shatter into a million tiny pieces, tears pooling in his eyes. “I can’t lose you, too.” 

Eliot watched in abject horror as her bottom lip trembled and she began to cry, hugging her knees to her chest. He moved forward on instinct, putting a hand on her shoulder with a soft, “Can I hug you?” to which she nodded yes. Eliot wrapped his arms around her, holding her to him and combing his fingers through her golden-blonde hair. “Shhh, I’m sorry, Parker, I’m sorry,” he murmured. “You won’t. I promise you won’t. You’re not gonna lose me, darlin’. Not in this lifetime.” 

“Good,” Parker managed through her tears, burying her face in Eliot’s shoulder. “I don’t want to lose you.”

“You won’t,” Eliot promised. 

They stayed like that for a few minutes, until Parker had sufficiently calmed down and tapped his shoulder twice - their nonverbal signal that meant she wanted him to let go of her. He did, and she settled herself on the bed once more, scooting back just a little, so she wasn’t practically in Eliot’s lap like she had been while he was hugging her. 

“You okay now?” Eliot asked, blue eyes sweeping her for any signs of lingering hurt that he could soothe. She nodded, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. 

“Thanks,” she croaked, reaching forward to pick up Eliot’s hand in her own and squeeze it gently. 

“Don’t mention it,” Eliot responded, giving her a little half-smile. His mind was, in part, still on the warehouse and his broken promise, but Parker took up just enough of his attention to throw a damper on the worst of it. 

“Do you understand now?” Parker asked quietly. “Why I need you to talk to someone about this, even if it’s not me?”

Eliot considered arguing his point, but he didn’t want to upset her again. “Yeah, I get it, Parker.” He sighed, running his hands through his hair. “I’m just not very good at that.”

Parker snorted a little. “I can tell.”

Eliot mock-glared at her, but his heart wasn’t in it. Parker gave him another worried glance, and Eliot swallowed hard. If he started talking now, he’d never shut up. He’d tell Parker every single horrible thing he’d ever done and he would leap off that cliff and right onto the boulders below and it would be a disaster, just like it always was. But Eliot, now more than ever, knew he couldn’t be alone tonight. 

If there was anything that could kill Eliot Spencer, he knew it wouldn’t be a thing, or a person; no, it would be the blood on his hands.

And so he swallowed his pride and turned to Parker, focusing his gaze on the wall above her head. “Will you stay? Just for tonight.”

Parker beamed at him and moved closer, just close enough to reach him, and wrapped him in a tight embrace. “I’ll always stay.”

Eliot exhaled shakily, blinking rapidly to dispel the tears that wanted to fall at her words. He didn’t deserve someone like her. 

Parket let him go and began to strip off her harness, shedding her jacket last. She was left in a white tank top and manilla cargo pants, and Eliot’s breath caught in his throat. He had never wanted Parker in a sexual way and he knew he never would; this wasn’t that. She was _beautiful_ , and Eliot had to take a deep breath to keep from bursting into tears. She was beautiful, not in the traditional way that he’d been conditioned to look for all his life, but in the way that the white made her look pure like an angel, and here he was asking her to stay with him, the devil, in a bed that had seen more monsters than he could count. _(And that was just it, wasn’t it, the biggest monster was the one who laid there to sleep every night.)_

“Eliot,” Parker murmured, shifting slightly so she could rest her head on his shoulder. “You look sad again.”

“Yeah,” Eliot breathed, his arms coming up to hold her as he maneuvered them both into bed. “I-I think maybe I am, Parker. Sad, I mean.”

“That’s okay,” Parker said, and she rolled over so she was facing him, cocooned between his chest and the blankets, “I’m not going to let you be sad alone.”

Eliot felt a few tears escape, rolling down his cheeks in the dimly lit room, and he clutched Parker tighter, reaching over to switch the lamp off behind them. “Thanks.”

With that, Parker pulled the covers around herself and settled against Eliot easily, closing her eyes. Eliot did, too, but not before he caught a glimpse of Parker’s smile as she traced light circles on his chest, right above his heart. 

Eliot leaned down and found her lips without opening his eyes, placing a soft kiss to the corner of her mouth. It said so many things - _goodnight, I love you, thank you_ \- that Eliot couldn’t articulate with words, but somehow, some way, he knew Parker got the message. 

**Author's Note:**

> [Stalk me on Tumblr](https://moonlight-breeze-44.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Prompts are open!
> 
> Want to scream about Leverage with other fans? [Join the multifandom Discord server](https://discord.gg/82pvdE39fD) I run with my friends! We welcome everyone, and we would love to have you. <3


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